Co-Parenting Counseling 101
A simple text has sent you and your co-parent into 4 hours of tense texting and 50 feet of scrollable and cringe-worthy mud slinging, and you still don’t have an answer to your original question.
Important holidays and milestones come and go with more stress than joy because of vague and last-minute changing plans.
Your heart starts racing and head starts spinning when you hear the *ping* or see the email alert from your co-parent. Here we go again, you think to yourself.
You feel like you’re losing the joy of parenting because the conflict with your co-parent seems to bleed into everything you do.
When it comes to raising children with your co-parent, it’s time to reclaim the joy by moving from stressed and resentful to organized and confident.
WHAT IS CO-PARENTING COUNSELING?
IT’S GRIT.
If it was easy, it would be easy and you wouldn't be here. It's really hard. There are long standing patterns in your relationship with your co-parent that were probably the reasons as to why you are not together. There will be times you feel unheard, like you’re always the one compromising, and it can feel like you take 3 steps forward and 2 steps backwards...it's hard and it takes a lot of grit and perseverance to wade through the challenges with your co-parent. But it's worth the life on the other side. After all, your kids have one heart ❤️ and two homes 🏠🏠, so it's up to you to build a life they can thrive in.
IT’S LESS MONEY AND MORE CONTROL.
You will save THOUSANDS of dollars (dare I say tens-of-thousands) and increase your influence on what happens to your children if decisions are made in my office versus in a courtroom. I’ve literally helped many families ONE THE EVE of a trial (I’m talking 5 PM on a Monday night before a Tuesday morning trial) come to agreements to avoid litigation. I’ve also seen co-parenting families HOURS after a trial (where each spent probably $15,000) and both parents hated the Judge’s decision so much they were in my office by 5 PM and walked away with new agreements they could actually live with.
IT’S A PARADOX.
The mind-bending paradox of co-parenting counseling is that you’ll be asked to create a co-parenting relationship with traits and boundaries that were likely challenging or nearly impossible when you were in an intact relationship. “But that’s impossible”. “That will never happen because my ex is a [insert pejorative mental-health label].” But, if you want to give your kids a life they can love, then you’ve got to figure this out with your co parent, and I’ve got the tools to help!
IT’S MY FAVORITE AND IT WORKS.
I love co-parenting counseling so much because it keeps me on my toes, I’m really good at it (in my practice we don’t shy away from celebrating strengths and what’s working), and **true story** I will cry 100% of the time when you tell me about how you were able to finally celebrate your child’s birthday together. I LOVE hearing the stories of how kids' lives are improved and celebrated--and I hear it all the time when the right support is in place.
WHAT CO-PARENTING COUNSELING IS NOT:
IT’S NOT MARRIAGE THERAPY.
We will do VERY LITTLE looking backwards, and when we do, it's only for short moments and only for topics where it makes sense. When I’ve let co-parents do this in the past, after 10 minutes of arguing I always ask (actually interrupt is the better descriptor), “Was that helpful in getting us to move forward?”. 100% of the time the answer has been no. So we really won’t do it.
IT’S NOT A FORUM FOR LITIGATION.
For example, you are parents and not parties in my office. This is not a time to “win a case”. There is no “proving” things, just working to identify what’s working, what’s not, and how do we move forward.
IT’S NOT A COOKIE-CUTTER PROCESS.
There is no “right” type of vacation schedule, way to manage distance learning, or process for handing dental/doctor’s appointments. Every family is so unique, and I’ve seen mind-blowingly amazing agreements that I would have NEVER thought of become absolute GAME CHANGERS for families.
🔩 NUTS AND BOLTS 🔩
INTAKE SESSIONS
I always start by meeting each parent individually to understand the history from their perspective, get an understanding of the current problems for their perspective, and learn about what’s important to them. We’ve also got to have a plan for safety, especially if restraining orders are in place.
SET UP GOOGLE DOCS
I will start for you two different Google Documents:
Cumulative Co-Parenting Agreements: This is where EVERY AGREEMENT we come to will live. It will be a long list we add to each session.
Your Family Parenting Plan: This is where we will begin to collect and keep all agreements for how you will raise your child(ren). [Wondering what a parenting plan is? Reach out and I’ll send you my template. Another blog post will be coming out on that soon!]
GATHERING PAST AGREEMENTS
We gather all of your court orders (or other agreements) and we put everything in one place (the parenting plan). We can easily reference your past co-parenting agreements and see where we still have work to do. I can’t tell you how many times parents argue over what the past court orders so we’ve got to have them easily accessible.
LET THE CO-PARENTING SESSIONS BEGIN!
EACH SESSION WILL FOLLOW THE SAME GENERAL STRUCTURE:
CO-PARENTING WIN OF THE WEEK
GENERAL UPDATE ON THE CHILDREN
AGENDA SETTING AND PRIORITIZATION
NEGOTIATION OF NEW AGREEMENTS
Introduce the topic or unsolved problem
Each parent will take about 3-5 minutes to share their perspective on the problem, factors that are important to be considered and why, and what’s not working for them.
Ideas/Brainstorming: Each parent will offer their ideas of how to solve the problem, and because I can’t help it (and it's my job), I’ll throw a few in the mix as well!
Formal Agreement: Every.Single.Agreement will be written up and added to your list of cumulative agreements.
REVIEW OF AGREEMENTS AND SCHEDULING NEXT SESSION